A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
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I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar