Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

this is a sign that you need a union

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

sweet dreams💖

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.