Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

A Short Story.

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*