Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

A decision was made here.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I forgot how to panic. Help

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.