Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

#CoronaOutbreak

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

logging onto twitter…

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him