A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Wasps: bees, but not helping