A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
I feel seen
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea