A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*