A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.