A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically