Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

i smell a pulitzer

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.