Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*