A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?