A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go