Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”