A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
don’t we all
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.