Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

that’s really how it is

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain