A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.