Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

This guy gets it.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no