A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.