A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
You Might Also Like
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Super Hand Dog Face
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside