A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Dolls on drugs
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.