A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions