Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Saturday

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”