A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that