a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus