Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

weddings should have a worst man

At an art museum and I thought this was art

I’d rather go liquor treating.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.