Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

I need a headline like this

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?