a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The glory of fall.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Is….Is this an option?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it