A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.