A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
respect
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
imagine getting destroyed like this
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
The days of good grammer has went
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.