Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Are these grass-fed oranges?

S O O N

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast