@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

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@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@jonesination

“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.

@Aspersioncast

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@andlikelaura

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@ThaJawn

Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!

*takes toy
*hurts self with toy

4: Hahahaha

@ArfMeasures

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho