Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.
Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!
*hurts self with toy
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho