A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

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Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.


“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.


Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.


Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you


FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine


Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.


Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.


Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!

*takes toy
*hurts self with toy

4: Hahahaha


ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle


him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho