A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.