A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
favorite tropes as memes
