A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
There is wisdom there.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.