A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Jail
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor