A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health