A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
How to draw a duck
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.