A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I have never related to anyone more.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
