A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
