A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
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Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
This came to me in a dream.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm