A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
doing your own taxes
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
