A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
No regrets in 2018
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES