A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Poetry is my passion
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Sending in my taxes
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.