Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

getting old is fun

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

🤣

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches