a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
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“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Buck naked
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.