a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Take care of yourself, ladies
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
on da cob, we all corn
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
🤯🤯🤯
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.