a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
congratulations to them
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
What happened to the other hiker??!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”