a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts