A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it