Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

I love twitter

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

The Wolf of Wall Street.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.