A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
linkedin the good parts
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.