Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Already got one

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.