Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out