A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.