A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!