A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
You Might Also Like
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m listening
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I enjoy a good short stor
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Cake!!
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7