A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I basically called this earlier today
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant