A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Rambo Rambow
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.