Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!