Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Best spoiler warning ever

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”