A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Great acting.. 😂
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.