A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
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I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Something Saturday.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
dictator is short for richard potato
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?