A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
all bases covered
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
R.I.P.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.