Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

*3.5 thank you very much.

me adding lol on a serious message