Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Get in loser we’re going crying

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil