A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
You Might Also Like
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My boss called in sick of me
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.