A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I get disoriented driving more than a few feet with my car’s backup camera, so I get it, pilots who crash, I totally get it.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats