A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Snapes on a plane.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
you can only post this today
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.