A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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*seductively corrects your posture*
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
lol
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy