Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children