A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???