A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.