Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

so i’m at the stock market right