A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish