A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Sign of the day..
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?