Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.